I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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