College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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