help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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