Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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