just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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