i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
