The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
