We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
