this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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