Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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