false alarm. still invincible.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
