Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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