Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
