I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
