I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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