I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
