if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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