Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
