There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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