I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
