I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
