My friends, they love my intelligence
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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