she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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