Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
