I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
