A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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