It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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