I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
