i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
