I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
