tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Randomize
