his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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