I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Houston, we have a blender
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
