Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
