I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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