you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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