You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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