I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
