My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
