im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
