DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
