I can't breathe out the right side of my face
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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