dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
