So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
