Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
