I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
