He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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