I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
