I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
