Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
